Indifferent

It seems like the last few weeks have had me in a strangle hold of indifference. I'm neither up nor down, the boys are neither exceptionally good nor bad....life is just strange.

I don't know if it's because things are settling down after all of the chaos that's been going on that now I don't know what to do with myself.....or maybe I'm just exhausted. I find myself wanting to retreat inward, to lay down with a big blanket and sleep. Our former youth pastor gave a sermon on God being your covering. He likened it to being wrapped up in a big fluffy comforter. That seems nice right now. I would love to be snuggled up in the arms of God, protected, loved, restored.

On one hand I can't seem to focus, but on the other I am constantly mulling things over in my head. I find myself in a constant period of self doubt, am I a good mom, should I be home schooling, why aren't the boys listening to me....the list could go on and on.

Tried prayer.....just can't concentrate long enough to get business done.

Tried reading my Bible...but nothing is jumping out at me.

I know that this is a spiritual attack, so I went upstairs, closed my bedroom door, and layed it all out there. I open my Bible to Proverbs (at first I thought great, another wasted moment, but then I read the passage):

Proverbs 3: 13-18

Blessed is the man who finds wisdom,
the man who gains understanding,
for she is more profitable then silver,
and yields better returns then gold.
She is more precious then rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths lead to peace.
She is a tree of life to those who embrace her;
those who lay hold of her will be blessed.

hmmm..I could really use some wisdom right now.....paths that lead to peace don't sound so bad either!

Then there's the election: I have never felt so emotionally divided!!!!! It is seriously making me question the para dimes that I have held for so long, but I still have no answers. I don't feel especially drawn to either candidate....the pressure to choose the right one is driving me crazy! So much weighs in the balance: natural resources, gas prices, money and taxes, abortions, health care, war and to top it all off, I have my children's future to worry about. No matter how much soul searching I do, I don't feel any better about our options (not like politicians actually do what they promise anyway right).

So I read further down in my verse from Proverbs:

Proverbs 3: 21-26

My son, preserve sound judgement and discernment,
do not let them out of your sight;
they will be a life for you,
an ornament to grace your neck.
Then you will go on your way in safety,
and your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down your sleep will be sweet.
Have no fear of sudden disaster
or the ruin that overtakes the wicked,
for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your feet from being snared.

I need to relax, pray for wisdom and discernment, and let God be God. Perfect love casts out all fear. The Lord is my confidence and he will keep us safe.

As I was ending my quiet time, I landed on the first page of Habakkuk. I use a study bible so there is always this front page that describes the coming book. The very first paragraph talked about how life is full of questions, most with answers not wrapped up and tied. Habakkuk asked the hard questions. Through boldly asking God for answers, he gained an understanding of God's power and love. In the end, even though he knew Judah would have to go through a terrible time of trials, he rejoiced in who God was and what He would do in the future.

I ended up studying the book of Habakkuk for another hour....more later because this post is already crazy long!

Have a great weekend. Remember to ask the tough questions, search your heart, and wait patiently for an God's answer.