Sunday, June 1, 2008


This weekend's service was on forgiveness. In general, I find myself to be a pretty forgiving person. That was until Keith talked about what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not minimizing or excusing the wrong.

Pollyanna could be my middle name. I try to see the good in everything....brushing off and excusing the wrong, burying the hurt down deep, keeping the goes on. It wasn't until this morning that I realized that I am mad! Really MAD! Not at any one person,but...hold your God. Some of you may be thinking "watch out for the lightening bolt Missy", but have you ever read the Psalms? David cried out in heart wrenching agony. God wants us to be authentic, He wants a real relationship with you. How can he have that if you only give him the good shallow fluffy stuff, not the warts and nasty inside buried garbage?

Over the last few years everything has completely gone haywire. There are plenty of instances where I see and feel God's presence in our situation, but then other times it feels like God is so silent. How can the God of the universe, my creator, the God who loves me more then life itself just stand by and let all of these bad things happen to me? I've been the strong one on the outside: there is a purpose for all of our suffering, He is just molding us, refining. I can spout Christian sayings all day long for reasons why God allows his children to go through hardships, but when it comes down to it....this STINKS! Don't get me wrong, I love God with all of my heart! My life is in His hands and where he leads I will follow. It's just that lately it feels like we can't catch a break and I am so tired!

So, instead of dealing with the pain and disappointment, I have been pushing it down, excusing it as the will of My Father.....which it is, but I'm not growing from these hurts when I just keep excusing it and moving on to the next thing. I am hurt that Jim hasn't gotten onto a full time fire department. I am disappointed by the way I had to leave things in the cafe. I am mad that no matter how hard Jim works, our finances still seem the same. I am sick and tired of getting angry and frustrated at my children. I am hurt that no matter how hard I pray we are still stuck in this valley. I am frustrated that it seems like God is not here. I am mad at myself that I can't seem to get over this!

While I was pondering all of this, a Barlow Girls song came on the radio. (I have it on the side bar to the right) The chorus is: I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side. So I'll hold tight to what I're here and I'm never alone.

God does speak to us, even if its through songs on the radio, His Word, other people or whom ever else He chooses to be a vessel of His message. He isn't gone. I am NEVER ALONE. I don't know if or how you forgive the ultimate Forgiver....or if there is really any need to. I will keep on going through this valley because my hope is in Him who has a purpose for me, a plan for this crazy life of mine. So I'll hold tight to the truths I know: that God loves us, that He has a plan for us, not to harm, but to give us a hope and a future! So, I am letting go of this pain...I will be a prisoner to it no more. This isn't saying that everything will just go away, but I am going to acknowledge my hurt and deal with it....with the help of my Heavenly Father.

I know that this is a deep post...just where I'm at right now....the dreaded 3.0. is knocking on my door and I feel like God is really wanting to do some changes in my life before I leave the comfort of 2.0.


Nancy said...

Good one:) I know the feeling... I think I was about your age when I felt very much the same- for the first of many times. I'm feeling it too today....

shelly said...

Growing hurts...but it's finally time to face life as a grownup not just mascarading around like life is ok! I'll be praying for you as you walk this path too.

Carrie said...

Feeling stuck in that rut as well, with all that is going on reality and hope seem very seperate...